Stein um Stein

My "R" key has been ripped off of my laptop. I have no idea how it pops back on.

Also, this year I've had the Influenza A, then some sort of virus, and now I've got bronchitis that started out as a sinus infection. Go me!

Eh... Nothing much going on here. Just sitting here watching Jason play Fallout 3. That's pretty much all I do when I'm at home is browse the internet and play Fallout 3. I got one of the expansions yesterday. Just the Pitt one...

My grandma wanted me to download Johnny Cash's "When I Take My Vacation in Heaven" to be played at her funeral. She said over the phone, "You want me to sing a few of the words?" I said sure. She started singing and it was beautiful. It made me remember the fact that I don't really want to lose her. I asked my mom if my grandma thought she was going to die soon or if she's talking about her funeral just to talk about it. My mom said she thinks that my grandma knows she's going to pass away soon. I just don't know what to do to deal with all this crap going on.

I found out that when I went to get my appendix removed, the surgeon neglected to tell me that they found several ovarian cysts, some being larger than the spot they found on my grandma's pancreas which they said was cancer. So, yeah, life sucks right now. Not to mention all of the relationship problems. I want out of this relationship. He's already said he isn't in love with me anymore. Due to the fact that we have been fighting constantly. He said the last year has been pure Hell. He said he doesn't want to get married. He doesn't want to ever have children. I don't know how to feel about everything.

Work seems to be all I ever do. And lately I've been feeling rather depressed because my grandma almost certainly has pancreatic cancer. She's almost 80. My mom works at the doctor's office. The doctors told her that if it is cancer, she has about six months to live. She's already lost a bunch of weight and she's very weak. No muscle. Can't really walk around. She's also in pain and not feeling well all the time. What makes matters worse is that she refuses to have a biopsy done to see if it is cancer for sure. I told her that I feel like she should at least know what it is. She said, "Why should I want to know?". If it is cancer, all they would be able to do for her is give her chemo and I doubt they would want to do that either given her weakened state. And surgery is out of the question. So I just don't know how to deal with it. It's caused me to miss work because I already have an anxiety disorder and when things stress me out it makes that condition all that much worse. I don't really want to lose my grandma to cancer. Cancer is affecting everyone. It's happening all around. I'm just having a rough time dealing. Nothing else is going on really. But I'm glad.

So, the power went down on Tuesday morning. We had some serious transformer blow-outs. And we're still without power today. It's Sunday and it's awful. I can't even tell you how awful. But I'm sure some of you know.

So yeah, I'm SUPER-FRUSTRATED. No relations in about a week. AGAIN. I hate my life right now. I'm blogging from Heine Brothers. Katie is working. She brought me water.

The sunlight is insane today. I'm going to go blind. I'm supposed to hang out with my dad tonight at about 4:00 PM. But I'm not sure what we will be doing.

So far today, we have gone to Office Depot to look at the external hard-drives and laptop cases and USB thingies. I bought a 2 GB USB that looks like a piece of candy. I also bought an air-blowing cleaner for the filth that's inhabiting my laptop's keyboard.

It's frigging COLD in our apartment. I'm pretty sure it feels colder inside it than outside of it. I'm just kind of rambling right now...

Last night my mom, Jason, and myself went to the cheap theater and saw Seven Pounds. I knew it was going to be good. But I didn't know it would be like the best drama I've seen since The Notebook. You know... I really like dramatic stories, but of course Jason doesn't because he's a man and he prefers action. Sigh.

I'm aching because I've had like 20 pounds of blanket over me every night just to keep from freezing to death. I feel kind of like I'm coming down with something, maybe a cold.

I had a huge headache today. I want to be able to relax, but I have a mound of laundry to do this weekend... Rodulpho still hasn't called me back regarding moving to the first floor of our apartment building. I first called them last weekend, they called me back on Tuesday, said they would get back with me in a couple of days. And I know they aren't going to call me back now this week since they aren't open on the weekend. Grr. The anticipation is killing me because I know it's going to be Hell getting everything down the stairs.

I'm really tired of being used by men, or manipulated by them. Whatever. This male ex-friend of mine continually texts me propositioning me for sex. Or what he calls "Tine Time". It's sickening. His utter disregard for my current relationship just... ugh. ARGH.
I can't wait until Spring so I can bust my ass on my bike that I just bought accessories for. I bought a cargo thingy to put behind the seat. I'm probably going to have to buy a bigger seat so I don't break my coccyx. xD

So yeah, everybody needs friends. I seem to have forgotten to stay in touch with them. And I've been working too damn much in a rotten office with rotten people. I hate my job. At first I loved it, then second shift became a party and I became offended. So yeah... over and out.

My father sits at night with no lights on
His cigarette glows in the dark.
The living room is still;
I walk by, no remark.
I tiptoe past the master bedroom where
My mother reads her magazines.
I hear her call sweet dreams,
But I forgot how to dream.

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be:
You want to marry me, we'll marry.

My friends from college they're all married now;
They have their houses and their lawns.
They have their silent noons,
Tearful nights, angry dawns.
Their children hate them for the things they're not;
They hate themselves for what they are-
And yet they drink, they laugh,
Close the wound, hide the scar.

But you say it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be:
You want to marry me, we'll marry.

You say we can keep our love alive
Babe - all I know is what I see -
The couples cling and claw
And drown in love's debris.
You say we'll soar like two birds through the clouds,
But soon you'll cage me on your shelf -
I'll never learn to be just me first
By myself.

Well O.K., it's time we moved in together
And raised a family of our own, you and me -
Well, that's the way I've always heard it should be,
You want to marry me, we'll marry,
We'll marry

What am I going to do about my feelings? I have needs that aren't being met in my relationship.

I need real commitment from Jason. He's moving in with me, and he still hasn't asked me to marry him.

Valentine's Day is coming up. Another chance to get severely depressed and disappointed.

I'm going to stuff myself with fried chicken now. Goodnight.

I'm working at Gannett now. It's a marketing service that prints USA Today and also works for Sam's Club doing data entry for members. We handle the member renewals and Group membership renewals and new group sign ups.

I haven't written in this journal for 19 weeks according to the home page. There's a lot going on I guess...

Firstly: I'm moving into a two bedroom apartment in the St. Matthews area with my boyfriend of 3+ years, Jason. I just paid the damage deposit yesterday morning. It cost my entire two-week check. They're going to hold it until it's ready. When it is repaired, they are going to let us do a walk-through to see what else needs to be changed before we move in. We're moving in the 1st of March. That's going to be forever away. It took forever for one month to pass from Christmas. It feels like Christmas was a long long time ago... and I know it's going to feel like forever before March gets here. It's already the 2nd of February... but it's... just going to drag on like crazy.

Anyway, at first, I was working part time at Gannett, but then I became full-time about three weeks ago. Now I have to wait two more weeks before I see another dime. I can't believe it took even more than my entire check. It's depressing. But March 1st is when Jason has to pay the first month's rent. I'll probably have to pay to get the LG&E turned on. The water is free with rent. I really like the apartment because it has a vintage countertop in the kitchen, and big bedrooms. And a huge living room. And a balcony. With astro-turf. (Not that cool really, but funny.)

I'm searching Limewire for some music I'll like. It's hard to find stuff usually. Well, I don't know what else to talk about. I'm working all the time, seeing Jason as much as I can, hanging out with my dad once a week, not much else. I'm boring. Haha.

Oh yeah, and I am still upset about Jason never asking me to marry him. I still don't have a ring. All he has to do is ask. He has the ring... we're moving in together... and I don't know what's really going on in his mind. I hope I'm going to be happy when we move in together. I don't know if I will be if he never asks me to be his wife. I don't want to just be a room mate. That would suck.

And still she couldn't cry
She never grasped the concept
that he could really die
and so she dragged his body home
and put him into bed
and he was never more alive
than the day she found him dead.

Apparently there is an entire legion of people on Deviant Art who love amputee women. Almost like a fetish. Of course it was this which reminded me of a girl I saw in the St. Matthews area who is amputated below her elbow on one arm. I think she is beautiful, and I think that her amputation makes her all the more interesting. But I like to look at beautiful women regardless of disability... but I'm not gay. It's just that women are far more interesting to look at than most men. Sad, isn't it...

Welsh Names: Dewey, Nye, Trev.

Other Names: Edwin, Stein, Bane, Ash.

I have no job.

Been downloading music.

Waiting for vacation time.

Waiting to be able to buy a Pembroke Welsh Corgi.

Katie has a dog and she has kennel cough but is on antibiotics.

I have a Helio Drift now incase I failed to mention before. I can't be bothered with checking. I also have a new number. If anybody cares to get back in touch with me, email me at Schwarze_witwe85@yahoo.com to let me know you need my new cell phone number.

So Jason's friend from work (Misty) is getting married in the first week in June. I don't really want to go, but I'm invited. If I don't go, Jason and Misty will be rather disappointed. But hear me out on this... weddings make me very depressed. Call it envy, I don't care. I very badly want to get married to Jason. I want him to ask me to marry him. Thinking about anything to do with getting married makes me sad. He's been making excuses, or reasons, why he isn't ready to ask me. He has said "I have to ask your dad first. It's traditional to ask the father." If he actually FOLLOWED his family's traditions, we wouldn't be having sex. So he was ready to take my virginity some years ago, and still isn't ready to commit to me? That doesn't seem fair. He's also said things like "I don't have a car." and "There are some things about you that make me feel like I couldn't marry you." (Meaning my personality being so free-spirited and zany, but he later apologized.)
I just want us to move on and become a family. I'm ready to live with him and have a life together. Knowing that he is afraid to even talk to me about engagement or marriage really discourages me. I hoped he was the one... The waiting is very disconcerting.

I fell in love with a corgi mix up for adoption. I emailed the people who have him and I'm hoping they haven't put him down. He's 5-6 years old, and he is missing his left eye. He's the most adorable dog I've ever seen. The only problem is... he's in Cincinnati. It isn't THAT far to drive, but what if they won't let me have him? I don't know what to do, really. I love him though and I want to meet him.

This is him. I will name him Stewy.

"Mommy, when a soldier kills a baby, does the soldier still go to heaven since the baby is from Iraq and Iraq is bad people?"

When a woman stomps a helpless kitten and the internet hounds watch it over and over... where is God? Does he cover his eyes?

I hate all people.

Late one cold and stormy night I heard a dog a barkin'
Then I thought I heard somebody at my door a knockin'
I wondered who could be outside in such an awful storm
Then I saw a little girl with a puppy in her arms
Before I could say a word she said, my name is Sandy
And this here is my puppy dog, its name is little Andy
Standing in the bitter cold in just a ragged dress
Then I asked her to come in and this is what she said:

Ain't ya got no gingerbread
Ain't ya got no candy
Ain't ya got an extra bed for me and little andy
Patty cake and Bakers man
My mommy ran away again
And we was all alone and didn't know what else to do
I wonder if you'll let us stay with you

Giddy up trotty horse, going to the mill
Can we stay all night
If you don't love us no one will
I promise we wont cry
London bridge is fallin' down
My daddy's drunk again in town
And we was all alone and didn't what we could do
I wonder if you'll let us stay with you

She was just a little girl, not more than six or seven
But that night as they slept the angels took them both to Heaven
God knew little Andy would be lonesome with her gone
Now sandy and her puppy dog wont ever be alone

Ain't ya got no gingerbread
Ain't ya got no candy
Ain't ya got an extra bed for me and little (whispers) Andy

I hate myself right now. I feel like a loser. I feel ugly. I feel like I'm ruining my relationship with the best person in my life. I don't even know what I have done most of the time... but who I am isn't good anymore. I find myself getting so jealous of people who have gotten married and are so happy together. I wish that was me. That will never be me. And I will die knowing that I couldn't be a good enough person to satisfy another.

I'm so bored today. I haven't been outside today either.

I have been working on my music library lately... and also my artwork collection. Not much else.

My ex-boyfriend Mike has been calling me multiple times per day. I'm thinking of having Jason answer the phone one of these times and tell him to fuck off. I'm not really enthralled with the idea of hanging out with him or any of his friends. Bah!

I'm not sure what I will be doing tomorrow. I have five bucks to my name and less than a quarter tank of gas... so I'm having to be thrifty.

Anyhoo... nightnight.

<3,
Tiney Bean

It's been a while since I've written in my journal. I don't know why. I guess I just haven't thought of it as being important.

Today I went to the falls of the Ohio and climbed around in the rock bed for a few hours with Jason. My mom brought fish home for lunch and then made Curry chicken for dinner when we came back from the rock beds. I got a new art desk and chair for Christmas. I also got a laptop and a PSP. The other things I don't want to take the time to list.

Right now I'm sitting in the living room with Jason watching him play a video game on PS2. I think it's Haunting Ground. He has to go home soon. He's been off for the past two days, so he has to go back to work tomorrow. That kind of sucks.

I need to start going job hunting. I said I was going to try to find a job after the new year. I don't know where I want to work. Just anywhere but a food place.

I had a good new years. We went to Jason's friend Tom's house until midnight, then shortly after that, we went to Exile where I talked to a few friends for a while. There weren't as many people there as I thought there would be, so I felt like leaving a little earlier than usual.

I'm not sure what I will be doing tomorrow... I think I'll be spending some time with my dad. I haven't hung out with him in a while.

I owe Jason about 30 bucks right now.

I want these so bad.

These Here.

They're SO beautiful.